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Text File | 1994-09-21 | 66KB | 1,335 lines

WELCOME Congratulations! You've decided to learn about computers! Now you can get even with the millions of computers trying to learn about you. This book turns you into a computer expert even if you're an idiot. In fact, some of the world's most famous computer experts have read this book ___ and are idiots! This book tells you more about computer than your mom recommends. It guides you through the highs and heartaches, thrills and chills, as you giggle and gag, frolic and frown. The computer industry has called me a ``guru'', showered me with tulips, and found this book ``wise''. But some chapters will tempt you to call me a ``wiseguy'', yell ``goo-goo'', and shower me with tomatoes. At least you won't be bored! This is the only book rated ``best'' by ALL popular computer magazines. It's the only book that covers all computer topics, the only book making even the bumpiest computer topics smooth, and the only major book whose author is foolish enough to give you his home phone number. Phone me I'm the author. My home phone number is 617-666-2666. It's easy to memorize! After dialing Boston's area code (617), dial the phone number for the devil's double: 666-2-666. Dial it when you wonder what-the-devil your computer's doing. When computers make you ill, dial ``Sick, sick, sick! Too sick, sick, sick!'' Follow this poem: Welcome to your new computer. I'll be your computer tutor. Hands on keyboard! Eyes up front! Press those keys! Do not grunt! When you get a bit confused, Snatch this book and come peruse. If you still can't find the fix, Call 666-2666. Call whenever you have a question about computers ___ or life! I'll help you, free, even if your question is weird or personal. This free consulting service has saved readers many kilohours and kilobucks. Call day or night, 24 hours: I'm almost always in, and I sleep just lightly. Because of the midnight phone calls, I'm not married ___ except to the computers I've fallen in love with. So for free help, phone. (Don't write.) Begin by saying your name, city, how you got my number (``from the 19th edition''), and a one-sentence summary of your question. Then we'll have a pleasant chat ___ unless I'm in the middle of another call or meeting, in which I'll call you back free. Each month, I answer thousands of calls personally. I try to help all callers somehow. I'll give you my best help if you have the current edition of this book, you have the official manual for any program you want help with, and you've put the phone near any ill computer you want cured. Come visit Whenever you visit the Boston area, you can drop in, say hi, use my free library, and wave at my 50 computers. Drop in anytime: day or night! But in case I'm having an orgy with my computers, please phone first to pick a time when we're cooled down. I'll reveal the Secret Path to our pad (just a 5-minute walk from the Porter Square stop on Boston's subway). Mail the coupon Mail us the coupon on this book's last page. It puts you on our mailing list, which gets you FREE info on our many wild services. You also get discounts on extra copies of this book. Love your librarian These details will help your librarian fill in the file cards and not get fired. Title: The Secret Guide to Computers, 19th edition So-called author: Russ Walter (also known as ``Russy-poo'') Publisher: the same servant as the author Address: bedroom at 22 Ashland St., Somerville MA 02144 Copywrong: 1994 by Russ Walter International Standard Book Number (ISBN): 0-939151-19-7 Library of Congress: numbers pending; earlier edition 89-51851, QA 76 .W3 Elfish fun This book was constructed by elves and associated critters, aiming to make your life elful instead of awful. Grand elves: Yvonne Bohemier Lisbeth Shaw Elfettes: Kira BarnumMaura Cabral Friendly ghosts: Cathy Carlson Heather Hill Sorcerer's apprentices: Linda Gardner Liz Card Meadow sprites: Irene VassosRichard Grant Wandering minstrels: Larry Mancini Jeff Lowe Artistes bizarre: Cindy BestSusan Goldenberg Bubbly brights: Anthony KindNancy Kafka Gigantic alien brains: Adam GreenRoy Krantz Friends of the Shah: Michael Krigsman Celena Sun Queens from bygone days: Priscilla Grogan Julianne Wattles Cantabrigian consorts: Ken RussellNaava Frank Mischievous muses: Lili TimmonsShannon Linville Brothers grin: Dan WalterJim Walter Women who wonder: Ruth Spingarn Donna Liao Printer devils: John Pow Semline Art collectors: Dover Formatt Gnome (and is an island unto himself): Russy-poo Introductory junk My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don't have to read it. Dedication I dedicate this book to the computer, without whom I'd be unemployed. What this book will do for you Tt'll make you even richer than the author! Alas, he's broke. Prerequisite This book was written for idiots. To see whether you can get through the math, take this test: count to ten but (here's the catch!) without looking at your fingers. Acknowledgment I'd like to thank . . . my many friends (whose names I've gladly forgotten); my students (who naturally aren't my friends); my word processor (which has a mind of its own); all others who helped make this book impossible. Apology Any original ideas in this book are errors. Disclaimer The author denies any knowledge of the scintillating illegal activities he depicts. Copyright Our copyright policy is simple: hey, copying is all right! Make as many copies as you like, and don't pay us a cent. Just follow the ``free reprint'' instructions on page 9. Forward . . . because it's too late to turn back. WHAT'S IN THIS BOOK The Secret Guide to Computers is the world's only complete computer tutorial: it covers everything important about computers! Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 8 parts of computer lore: ``Buyer's guide'', ``Operating systems'', ``Word processing'', ``Databases'', ``Spreadsheets'', ``Wild applications'', ``Programming'', and ``Endnotes''. Buyer's guide The Guide begins by explaining computer technology, computer jargon, and how to buy a great computer cheaply. It analyzes each of the computer's parts (the chips, disks, screens, printers, other hardware, and software) and tells you the best way to buy a complete computer system. It explains how to buy the most common kind of computers (IBM-compatibles), the fascinating competitors from Apple, and alternative computers that are wildly different. The Guide makes specific recommendations about which brands to buy and where to buy them. It delves into each manufacturer's goodies and not-so-goodies. It reveals the nasty details that salespeople try to hide. It turns you into a German nun, who knows the difference between what's blessed and what's wurst. Operating systems After getting a computer, you operate it by typing commands on its keyboard or wiggling its mouse. The Guide explains the popular operating systems: MS-DOS (used by IBM), the Mac system (used by the Apple Macintosh), and Windows (which makes IBM imitate a Macintosh). Word processing The most popular thing to do with a computer is to make it replace your typewriter. That's called ``word processing''. The word-processing chapter explains how to use the fanciest word-processing programs: Ami Pro (which is hassle-free), Microsoft Word (which performs many nifty tricks), and Word Perfect (the old classic still used by most businesses). Databases Instead of using file cards, put databases on the computer! The Guide explains how to use the easiest wonderful database program (Q&A) and analyzes advanced databases that are harder. Spreadsheets Tables of numbers are called spreadsheets. The Guide explains how to use the fanciest spreadsheet program: Excel. It also explains how to use competitors (1-2-3 & Quattro), which cost less to run. Wild applications The Guide lets you have wild fun and explore frontiers that are wildly challenging. You learn how to make the computer handle graphics, desktop publishing, sound, multimedia, communication (with the help of telephones and networking), accounting (incredibly difficult to do right!), personal programs (everything from lovemaking to therapy!), games (I confess that they're the real reason why most of us buy computers), and artificial intelligence (the attempt to make the computer become human). Programming Our world is split into three classes of people: avoiders (who fear and loathe computers and avoid them) users (who use computers but don't really understand them) programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new tricks) The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3: it turns you into a sophisticated programmer. Since the Guide's explanation of ``BASIC'' expands your understanding of computers so dramatically, don't wait! Start reading it the same day you start ``Databases'' ___ as if you were taking two courses simultaneously. To program the computer, you feed it instructions written in a computer language. The Guide explains all the popular computer languages. It begins with the easiest popular language (BASIC). Then it explains DBASE (the fanciest language for handling databases). It even covers the hot, new, improved versions of DBASE (such as DBASE 4 and Fox Pro). Many colleges require freshmen to learn PASCAL. The Guide explains it, and even PASCAL's new Turbo versions. All modern programs for word processing, databases, and spreadsheets were created by using ``C''. The Guide explains Turbo C, Quick C, Microsoft C, and competitors. Many elementary schools require their students to learn how to program in LOGO, a language that makes turtles dance across the computer's screen. The Guide explains 12 versions of LOGO. In the ``good old days'', when programmers were treated like gods, the most popular computer languages were FORTRAN (for scientists) and COBOL (for businesses). Though they're called ``the languages for old fogeys'' now, many big computers still thrive on them ___ and so do many careers! The Guide covers a semester's course in each. A gigantic chapter analyzes 23 strange tongues and divides those computer languages into three categories. mainstream languages: FORTRAN, ALGOL, COBOL, BASIC, PL/I, PASCAL, MODULA, C, ADA, DBASE, EASY radical languages: LISP, SNOBOL, APL, LOGO, FORTH, PILOT specialized languages: APT, DYNAMO, GPSS, RPG, SPSS, PROLOG The chapter tutors you in all of them. It even includes a multilingual dictionary that helps you translate programs to different computer languages. To top it all off, you learn how to program by using the most common assembler for the IBM PC and translate your programs to the Macintosh and other computers. Endnotes I hate to admit it, but occasionally computers break! The chapter on repairs explains how to fix them. We members of the computer industry all have skeletons in our closet. The Guide digs up our past and counsels you about how to improve your career and your future. You also get an explanation of numerical analysis, an index to the entire Guide, and coupons for getting more goodies! Wow! TABLE OF CONTENTS Buyer's guide10 Chips Chip technology22 CPU 23 Memory chips28 Disks Fundamentals32 Floppy disks32 Hard disks36 CD-ROMs 39 Screens What's a screen?41 Televisions41 Monitors 42 Video terminals43 Liquid crystals43 Printers Fundamentals44 Dot-matrix printers45 Ink-jet printers47 Laser printers48 Best buys49 Printer technology50 Other hardware Keyboards53 Graphics-input devices54 Speakers 55 Modems 55 Tapes 57 Cases 58 Surge suppressors58 Software Kinds of software59 Operating systems59 Languages60 Programs 60 Data 62 Software companies63 Buying software64 IBM-compatibles IBM technology66 How clones are priced70 Famous clones72 Apple Original Apple81 Apple 2 81 Luxurious Apples83 Macs 84 Newton 88 Who runs Apple?88 Alternative computers Commodore89 Tandy 92 Atari 94 Operating systems 95 MS-DOS Get into DOS 98 Simple commands 102 External commands 108 Edit your disks 112 Batch files 116 Boot 117 Special keys 124 Print on paper 126 Analyze the computer 127 Tricks 129 Copy & protect well 131 Mac system Start your Mac 136 Use the mouse 137 Pull down a menu 138 Explode an icon 140 Run Teachtext 141 Advanced features 143 Windows Starting 148 Accessories 151 Main window 157 Word processing 159 Ami Pro Starting 162 Frames 165 Vocabulary 166 Finish 166 Microsoft Word Starting 167 Ribbon 169 Advanced editing 170 File menu 171 Q&A Write Starting 172 Function keys 175 Blocks 176 Final steps 177 Page layout 178 Vocabulary 180 Advanced tricks 181 Word Perfect Starting 183 Function keys 186 Ending 188 Tricky spacing 190 Fancy characters 193 Search for words 196 Automatic typing 198 Advanced tricks 202 Databases 206 Q&A File Starting 208 Design file 209 Add data 210 Search/update 211 Print 213 Mass moves 215 Customize 216 Advanced databases Relational databases 219 Windows wars 219 Spreadsheets 220 Excel Starting 222 Hop far 225 Adjust rows&columns 226 Move 228 Copy 228 After you've finished 229 Beautify your cells 231 Sort 233 Chart 234 1-2-3 & Quattro Starting 235 Major editing 239 Column width 241 Final steps 242 Advanced views 244 Wild applications 248 Graphics Deluxe Paint 249 Exotic graphics 255 Classic art 257 3-D drawing 265 Desktop publishing What to buy 266 Print Shop 267 Certificate Maker 268 Sound Speech 269 Music 270 Multimedia What's multimedia? 271 Tools 271 Communication Telecommunication 272 Local-area networks 276 Ways to share 278 Accounting General accounting 279 Specialized accounting 282 Personal programs Analyze yourself 283 Fall in love 288 Replace people 291 Be poetic 295 Analyze writing 300 Translate Russian 301 Games Board games 302 Action games 306 Adventure games 307 Artificial intelligence Natural vs. artificial 310 Early dreamers 310 Understand English 313 Surveying the field 316 Programming 320 BASIC Fun 322 Using variables 338 Helpful hints 364 Pretty output 368 Subs 376 Fancy calcs 384 Style 398 Weird features 406 Versions of BASIC 422 DBASE Get comfortable 450 Create a data file 452 See your data 453 Revise your data 456 Switch files 458 Index files 459 Programs 460 Control the flow 463 PASCAL Fun 466 Math 469 Simple variables 470 IF 471 Loops 472 Logic tricks 473 Advanced variables 475 ``C'' Fun 476 Math 479 Numeric variables 480 Character variables 482 Logic 484 LOGO Turtle graphics 486 Math 489 Structures 490 Programs 492 Workspace 495 FORTRAN Fun 496 Math 499 Pleasant I/O 503 Logic 505 Lists 507 Functions 511 Exotic features 513 COBOL Fun 518 Variables 521 Logic 526 Data files 529 Advanced structures 534 Extra comments 539 Strange tongues Charts 540 Mainstream languages 542 Radicals 555 Specialists 563 Assembler Number systems 572 Character codes 574 SEXY assembler 575 DEBUG 580 Inside the CPU 584 8088 details 588 Endnotes 590 Repairs Reduce your risks 591 General principles 593 Booting problems 594 Keyboard problems 596 Printer problems 597 Insufficient memory 599 Our past Ancient history 600 Micro history 604 Cycles 606 Your future Become an expert 608 Land a computer job 609 Set your rates 610 Develop your career 611 Computerize home 615 Teach your kids 616 Avoid dangers 619 Read good books 621 Share our knowledge 623 Numerical analysis Errors 624 Estimates 625 Solve equations 626 Index Vendor phone book 628 Menus & icons 629 Languages 630 Master index A-Z 632 Coupons Coupon for friends 638 Coupon for you 639 PRAISED BY REVIEWERS If you like this book, you're not alone. Praised by computer magazines All the famous computer magazines call Russ Walter ``Boston's computer guru'' and praise him for giving free consulting even in the middle of the night. Here's how they evaluate The Secret Guide to Computers. . . . PC World: ``Russ Walter is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer, the user's champion. Nobody does a more thorough, practical, and entertaining job of teaching PC technology. His incomparable Guide receives nothing but praise for its scope, wit, and enormous practicality. It offers a generous compendium of industry gossip, buying advice, and detailed, foolproof tutorials. It's a wonderful bargain.'' Byte: ``The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand computers and haven't had much luck at it, or have to teach other people about computers, or just want to read a good book about computers, get the Guide.'' Computer Currents: ``Your computer literacy quotient will always come up short unless you know something about Russ Walter. He's a folk hero. He knows virtually everything about personal computers and makes learning about computers fun. If you've given up in disgust and dismay at reading other computer books, get the Guide. It should be next to every PC in the country. PC vendors would do themselves and their customers a big favor by packing a copy of the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. The Guide deserves the very highest recommendation.'' PC Magazine: ``The Guide explains the computer industry, hardware, languages, operating systems, and applications in a knowledgeable and amusing fashion. It includes Russ Walter's unbiased view of the successes and failures of various companies, replete with inside gossip. By working your way through it, you'll know more than many who make their living with PCs. Whether novice or expert, you'll learn from the Guide and have a good time doing so. No other computer book is a better value.'' Abacus: ``Alternative-culture Walter provides the best current treatment of programming languages. It's irreverent, reminiscent of the underground books of the 1960's. It's simple to read, fast-paced, surprisingly complete, full of locker-room computer gossip, and loaded with examples.'' Infoworld: ``Russ Walter is recognized and respected in many parts of the country as a knowledgeable and effective instructor. His Guide is readable, outrageous, and includes a wealth of information.'' Mac User: ``It's an everything-under-one-roof computer technology guide.'' Computerworld: ``The Guide by unconventional computer guru Russ Walter is informative and entertaining.'' Computer Shopper: ``The Guide covers the entire spectrum. It's incredibly informative and amusing.'' Home Office Computing: ``Russ Walter is a computer missionary who's a success story.'' Classroom Computer Learning: ``Russ Walter's courses are intensive and inexpensive.'' Compute: ``Russ Walter is an industry leader.'' Praised by the classics Earlier editions of the Guide were praised by all the classic computer magazines. Popular Computing: ``Russ Walter is king of the East Coast computer cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in computer tutorials in our hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to replace Andy Rooney with a `60 Minutes' computer pundit, they'd need to look no further than Russ Walter. His wry Walterian observations enliven nearly every page of his book. His Guide is the first collection of computer writings that one might dare call literature.'' Personal Computing: ``The Guide is bulging with information. You'll enjoy it. Russ Walter's approach to text-writing sets a new style that other authors might do well to follow. It's readable, instructive, and downright entertaining. If more college texts were written in the Russ Walter style, more college students would reach their commencement day.'' Creative Computing: ``The Guide is fascinating, easy to understand, an excellent book at a ridiculously low price. We especially endorse it.'' Cider Press: ``The Guide should be given to all beginners with the purchase of their computers.'' Softalk: ``The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many sacred cows. It's long been a cult hit.'' Computer Bargain Info: ``The Guide is widely acclaimed by experts as brilliant.'' Eighty Micro: ``Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.'' Interface Age: ``The Guide is a best buy.'' Enter: ``It's the best book about computer languages.'' Microcomputing: ``Plan ahead; get in on the Secret now.'' Praised by mass-market magazines Mass-market magazines call the Guide amazing. Scientific American: ``The Guide is irresistible. Every instruction leads to a useful result. Walter's candor shines; he makes clear the faults and foibles others ignore or cast in vague hints. The effect is that of a private conversation with a well-informed talkative friend who knows the inside story. The text reads like the patter of a talented midnight disc jockey; it's flip, self-deprecatory, randy, and good-humored. His useful frank content and coherent style are unique. First-rate advice on what and how to buy are part of the rich mix. No room holding a small computer and an adult learning to use it is well equipped without the Guide.'' The Whole Earth Catalog in its ``Coevolution Quarterly'': ``The personal-computer subculture was noted for its fierce honesty in its early years. The Guide is one of the few intro books to carry on that tradition, and the only introductory survey of equipment that's kept up to date. Russ Walter jokes, bitches, enthuses, condemns, and charms. The book tells the bald truth in comprehensible language.'' Omni: ``Guru Russ Walter sympathizes deeply with people facing a system crash at midnight, so he broadcasts his home phone number and answers calls by the light of his computers, cursors winking. He's considered an excellent teacher. His Guide is utterly comprehensive.'' Changing Times: ``Russ Walter is a computer whiz whose mission is to educate people about computers. Like a doctor, he lets strangers call him in the middle of the night for help with diagnosing a sick computer. His Guide covers everything you ever wanted to know.'' Esquire: ``The handy Guide contains lots of fact and opinion untainted by bias.'' Barron's: ``Russ Walter is an expert who answers questions for free and has been inundated by calls.'' Praised by computer clubs Computer clubs call the Guide the best computer book, in their newsletters, newspapers, and magazines. Boston Computer Society: ``The Guide is cleverly graduated, outrageous, and funny. Russ Walter turns computerese into plain speaking, while making you giggle. He's years ahead of the pack that claims to have ways of instructing computer novices. His unique mix of zany humor and step-by-step instruction avoids the mistakes of manuals that attempt to follow his lead.'' Western Mass Computer Club: ``Russ Walter is considered one of the few true computer gurus. His Guide is the world's best tutorial. It's the single best present anyone could receive who cares to know more about computers without going crazy.'' Connecticut Computer Society: ``Russ Walter's books have been used by insiders for years. He's special as a teacher because of three factors: his comprehensive knowledge of many computers and their languages, operating system, and applications; his ability to break complicated processes into the smallest components; and his humor. A valuable feature of the Guide is his candid comments about various computers and software. He's one of the few people able to review languages, machines, and software, all in a humorous, clear manner, with the whole endeavor set off by his sense of industry perspective, history, and culture. If you're ever struck with a computer problem, give Russ a call.'' New York's ``NYPC'': ``The Guide is the perfect text for anyone beginning to learn about computers because it contains real info in readable form about a range of subjects otherwise requiring a whole reference library. It's even better for the experienced computer user, since it also contains many, many advanced concepts that one person could hardly remember. But one person apparently remembered them all: Russ Walter. He's a fountain of computer knowledge and can even explain it in words of one syllable. His Guide reads like a novel: you can read simply for fun. It's recommended to anyone from rank beginner to seasoned power user.'' Sacramento (California) PC Users Group: ``The Guide is the best collection of computer help ever written. It includes just about everything you'd want to know about computers. You'll find answers for all the questions you thought of and some you didn't think of. No holds barred, Walter even tells you who in the industry made the mistakes and rotten computers, and who seemed to succeed in spite of themselves. The Guide is fascinating. It's recommended for anyone even slightly interested in computers.'' Praised by librarians Librarians call the Guide the best computer book ever written. School Library Journal: ``The Guide is a gold mine of information. It's crystal clear, while at the same time Walter delivers a laugh a paragraph along with a lot of excellent info. It's accessible even to kids, who will love its loony humor. Buy it; you'll like it.'' Wilson Library Bulletin: ``The Guide is distinguished by its blend of clarity, organization, and humor. It cuts through the techno-haze. It packs more simple, fresh explication per page than anything else available.'' Praised around the world The Guide is praised by newspapers around the world. Australia's ``Sydney Morning Herald'': ``The Guide is the best computer intro published anywhere in the world. It gives a total overview of personal computers. It's stimulating, educational, provocative, and a damn good read.'' The Australian: ``The Guide's coverage of programming is intelligent, urbane, extremely funny, and full of great ideas.'' England's ``Manchester Guardian'': ``Russ Walter is a welcome relief. The internationally renowned computer guru tries to keep computerdom's honesty alive. His Guide is an extraordinary source of information.'' Silicon Valley's ``Times Tribune'': ``The Guide invites you to throw aside all rules of conventional texts and plunge into the computer world entirely naked and unafraid. This book makes learning not only fun, but hilarious, inspiring, and addicting.'' Dallas Times Herald: ``Easily the best beginners' book seen, it's not just for beginners. Its strength is how simple it makes everything, without sacrificing what matters.'' Detroit News: ``Russ Walter is a legendary teacher. His fiercely honest Guide packs an incredible amount of info. It's the only book that includes everything. He gives you all the dirt about the companies and their hardware, evaluates their business practices, and exposes problems they try to hide. Phone him. You'll always get a truthful answer.'' Chicago Tribune: ``The Guide is the best computer book. It's a cornucopia of computer delights written by Russ Walter, a great altruist and dreamer.'' Kentucky's ``Louisville Courier'': ``Walter's Guide will teach you more computer fundamentals than the thick books in the average bookstore. The Guide gives his no-bull insights. He not only discusses computer mail-order sources, which most books avoid; he names the bad guys. The Guide's biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and personality.'' Philadelphia Inquirer: ``Russ Walter is the Ann Landers for computer klutzes, a high-tech hero. His wacky, massive Guide is filled with his folksy wit.'' New York Times: ``The computer-obsessed will revel in Walter's Guide. He covers just about every subject in the microcomputer universe. It's unlikely you have a question his book doesn't answer.'' Wall Street Journal: ``Russ Walter is a computer expert, a guru who doesn't mind phone calls. He brings religious-like fervor to the digital world. His students are grateful. His Guide gets good reviews. He's influential.'' Connecticut's ``Hartford Courant'': ``If you plan to buy a personal computer, the best gift to give yourself is the Guide. It's crammed with info. It became an instant success as one of the few microcomputer books that was not only understandable and inexpensive but also witty ___ a combination still too rare today.'' Boston Globe: ``Russ Walter is a unique resource, important to beginning and advanced users. His Guide is practical, down-to-earth, and easy to read.'' Boston Phoenix: ``Russ Walter has achieved international cult status. He knows his stuff, and his comprehensive Guide is a great deal.'' FAN MAIL From our readers, we've received thousands of letters and phone calls, praising us. Here are some recent examples. Intoxicated Our books make readers go nuts. Get high ``I'm high! Not on marijuana, crack, or cocaine, but on what I did at my computer with BASIC and your Guide.'' (Beverly, Massachusetts) Strange laughs ``I enjoy the Guide immensely! My fellow workers think I'm strange because of all my laughing while reading it. Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the Guide. It's very refreshing!'' (Acton, Massachusetts) Poo-poo ``I finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit down and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am not, crazy I was not, until I started 18 months ago with this computer and then came poo who sealed my lot.'' (Hinesville, Georgia) Computer dreams ``Wow ___ I loved your book. My husband says I talk about computers in my sleep.'' (Los Altos Hills, California) Bedtime story ``The book's next to the bed, where my wife and I can see who grabs it first. The loser must find something else to do, which often causes serious degradation of reading comprehension.'' (Danville, New Hampshire) Love in Paris ``If you ever come to Paris, give me a call. I'll be more than happy to meet the guy I admire most in the computer industry.'' (Paris) Sex ``Great book. Better than sex.'' (Worcester, Massachusetts) Devil ``This book is great. It moves like the fastest Mac, soars with the eagles, and dances with the devil.'' (Chicago) God ``I'm a Russy groupie now! You are God! Your book lets me put it all together.'' (San Diego) National TV ``Great! When are you going on national TV? America needs you!'' (Berkeley, California) National debt ``I think you do a fabulous job with computers! You should be in Washington & organize our country, and maybe we could be debt-free.'' (Tavares, Florida) Beginners Even beginners can master the Guide. Godsend ``You're a godsend. You saved me from being bamboozled by the local computer store.'' (Boston) Saint ``You should be canonized for bringing clarity and humor to a field often incomprehensible and dull.'' (Houston) Companion to the lonely ``Your book's a nice companion when I'm alone, because it talks. It answers more questions than I can ask.'' (Carson, California) Computer disease ``I was scared to go near a computer. I thought I might catch something. Now I can't wait.'' (Paterson, New Jersey) Face-off ``I used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my computer in the face. Thanks.'' (San Antonio, Texas) Amaze the professor ``I love the Guide! I've read it before taking a BASIC course, and I'm amazing my professor with my secret skills!'' (Olney, Illinois) Walking encyclopedia ``Your Guide really helps. I work with a great programmer who's like a walking computer encyclopedia. Now I know what he's saying!'' (San Leandro, California) Muscle in ``So many computer experts speak a language all their own. They look down on us and consider us to be outsiders trying to muscle our way into their world. Thanks for helping the outsiders.'' (New Iberia, Lousiana) Facing fear ``Thank you! I'm 42, married to a computer guru, with two daughters who've been in front of a computer since first grade. Finally, I feel that I can face my fear and that I'm not alone.'' (Malvern, Pennsylvania) Granny's clammy ``I'm a 58-year-old grandma. My daughter gave me an IBM PC. After weeks of frustration I got your Guide. Now I'm happy as a clam at high tide, eager to learn more & more. Wow!'' (Seattle) Moment of discovery ``After retiring, I searched for something to stimulate my mind. I bought a computer and tried to unravel its mysteries. The more I studied big books bought from computer stores, the more confused I became. Then I stumbled across the Guide. At that precise moment I discovered the beautiful, crazy, wild world of the computer! Thanks.'' (Tewksbury, Massachusetts) Bury the Book of Songs ``This is the microcomputer book that should be buried in a time capsule for future archaeologists. By reading it, I've made my computer sing. My wife recognizes the melodies and wants to read the book.'' (Park Forest, Illinois) Experts Experts love the Guide. PC Week reporter ``I write for PC Week and think the Guide is the best book of its kind. I'm sending a copy to my little brother, who's a budding byte-head.'' (Boston) Editor at Lotus ``Thanks so much for sending the Guide. It's great! Seems I'm the only one here in my office at Lotus who hadn't heard about it. You've got quite a following. Again, thanks!'' (Cambridge, Massachusetts) Math professor ``I'm a math professor. The Guide's the best way in the universe to keep up to date with computers. People don't have to read anything else ___ it's all there.'' (New York City) Diehard mainframer ``It is really neat! I've been a mainframe computer consultant for many years, and when your book came yesterday I couldn't put it down.'' (Cleveland Heights, Ohio) Refreshed programmers ``I passed the Guide around my team of mainframe programmers, and most of them bought. It's so refreshing, after the parched dryness of IBM-ese, to find a book in English!'' (Union, New Jersey) Research center ``Our research center uses and misuses gigabytes of computers. The Guide will improve our use/misuse ratio.'' (Naperville, Illinois) Careers The Guide's propelled many careers. Land a first job ``Last month, I bought your Guide. I've never seen so much info, packed so densely, in so entertaining a read. I was just offered a computer job, thanks to a presentation based on your Guide. I'm very, very, very happy I bought your book.'' (San Francisco) Land a top job ``Thanks to the Guide, I got an excellent job guiding the selection of computers in a department of over 250 users!'' (New York City) Found Wall Street ``Eight years ago, I took your intro programming course. Now I run the computer department of a Wall Street brokerage firm. I'm responsible for 30 people and millions of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide's always been my foremost reference. Thank you for the key to wonderful new worlds.'' (Long Beach, New York) Consultant's dream ``Inspired by your book, your love for computers, and your burning desire to show the world that computers are fun and easily accessible, I entered the computer field. Now I'm a computer consultant. Your ideas come from the heart. Thanks for following your dream.'' (Skokie, Illinois) Kid who grew up ``Years ago, I saw you sell books while wearing a wizard's cap. I bought a book and was as impressed as a 16-year-old could be. Now I've earned B.A.'s in Computer Science and English, and I'm contemplating teaching computers to high school students. I can think of no better way to plan a course outline than around your Guide.'' (Pennington, New Jersey) Better late than never Readers wish they'd found the Guide sooner. 1 year ``I learned more from the Guide than from a year in the computer industry.'' (Redwood City, California) 5 years ``I've fumbled for 5 years with computers and many books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I found your Guide. It's the first book that showed a light at the end of the tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.'' (Boise) 17 years ``Though in a computer company for 17 years, I didn't learn anything about computers until I began reading the Guide. I love it! I always thought computer people were generically boring, but your book's changed my mind.'' (Hopkinton, Massachusetts) Prince Charming arrives ``Where have you been all my life? I wish I'd heard of your Guide long ago. I'd have made far fewer mistakes if it had been here alongside my computer.'' (White Stone, Virginia) Hack a Mac ``Great book. I'm 14 and always wanted to hack. Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and look forward to gutting my Mac. Yours is the friendliest, funniest book on computers I've seen. I'm finally going to teach my parents BASIC. If I'd started out with the Guide, I'd have saved five years of fooling around in the dark.'' (Northport, Alabama) Pass-alongs Readers pass the Guide to their friends. Round the office ``Send 150 books. I passed my Guide around the office, and just about everyone who saw it wants copies.'' (Middleburg Heights, Ohio) Coordinating the coordinators ``Your book is amazing! I'm telling the other 50 PC coordinators in my company to be sure they're in on the secret. Bless you for your magnanimous philosophy!'' (Morristown, New Jersey) Hide your secrets ``I thought the Guide marvelous and proudly displayed it on my desk. A friend from South Africa saw it and said our friendship depended on letting her take it home with her. What could I do? You've gone international. I'm ordering another copy. Should I hide the book this time?'' (Cinnaminson, New Jersey) Cries and anger ``I made the mistake of letting several friends borrow my copy of the Guide. Each time I tried getting it back, it was a battle. (I hate to see grown people cry.) I promised to order them copies of their own. I delayed several months, and now I've got an angry mob outside my door. While you process my order, I'll try pacifying them by reading aloud.'' (Winston-Salem, North Carolina) Round the house ``Dad bought your Guide to help him understand my computer. It's become the most widely read book in our house. We love it!'' (Boca Raton, Florida) Squabble with Dad ``I love the Guide. Dad & I squabble over our only copy. Send a second so I can finish the Guide in peace.'' (New York City) Change my brother ``The Guide changed my computer scorn & fear to interest. Send my brother a copy, to effect the same transformation.'' (New York City) Selling clones ``I took the Guide to a meeting and used your words as a reason why the group should buy an IBM PC clone instead of the other computer they were looking at. It worked.'' (Sparks, Nevada) Make your guru giggle ``I showed the Guide to my guru. Between laughs, chuckles, and guffaws, he agreed to use it to teach his high-school computer class. He even admitted he'd learned something, and that's the most unheard of thing I ever heard of.'' (Arivaca, Arizona) Smarter sales reps ``Our company just released its first software product, and our sales reps are panic-stricken. I'm giving them the Guide to increase their computer background. Thanks for a super book.'' (Pittsburgh) Advancing secretary ``I'm ordering an extra copy for my secretary, to start her on the path to a higher paying and better regarded position.'' (Belleville, Illinois) Compared with other publishers The Guide's better than any other book. Better than 10 ``I learned more from your Guide than from a total of 10 books read previously.'' (Honolulu) No big bucks ``Your book is great! Its crazy style really keeps the pages turning. I appreciate someone who doesn't try to make big bucks off someone trying to learn. Thanks.'' (Vancouver, Washington) Rip-off ``If you can break even at your book's low price, lots of guys are ripping us off.'' (Choctaw, Oklahoma) WHO ARE WE? This section reveals who we are ___ even if you'd rather not know. Interview with Russ In this interview, Russ answers the most popular questions about this book and what's behind it. Why did you write the Secret Guide? I saw my students spending too much effort taking notes, so I made up my own notes to hand them. Over the years, my notes got longer, so that the 19th edition totals 607 pages. Each time I develop a new edition, I try to make it the kind of book I wish I had when I was a student. What does the Guide cover? Everything. Every computer topic is touched on, and the most important topics are covered in depth. Who reads the Guide? All sorts. Kids read it because it's easy; computer professionals read it because it contains lots of secret tidbits you can't find anywhere else. Why do you charge so little? I'm not trying to make a profit. I'm just trying to make people happy ___ by charging as little as possible, while still covering my expenses. Instead of ``charging as much as the market will bear'', I try to ``charge so little that the public will cheer''. Do you really answer the phone 24 hours a day? When do you sleep? When folks call in the middle of the night, I wake up, answer their questions, then go back to bed. I'm near the phone 85% of the time. If you get no answer, I'm out on a brief errand, so please call again. If you get an answering machine, I'm out on a longer project: just leave your number and I'll call you back at my expense, even if it's long distance. Why do you give phone help free? Are you a masochist, a saint, or a nut? I give the free help for three reasons: I like to be a nice guy; it keeps me in touch with my readers, who suggest how to improve the Guide further; and the happy callers tell their friends about me, so I don't have to spend money on advertising. At computer shows, do you really appear as a witch? I wear a witch's black hat and red kimono over a monk's habit and roller skates, while my white gloves caress an African spear. Why? Because it's fun! Did you write the whole Guide yourself? Yes, but I received many suggestions from my readers, friends, and staff, who also contributed some examples and phrases. What's your background? I got degrees in math and education from Dartmouth and Harvard, taught at several colleges (Wellesley, Wesleyan, and Northeastern), and was a founding editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of my expertise comes from spending long hours every day reading computer books and magazines, discussing computer questions on the phone, and analyzing the philosophy underlying the computer industry. About the so-called author Since the author is so lifeless, we can keep his bio mercifully short. Birth of a notion The author, Russy-poo, was conceived in 1946. So was the modern (``stored-program'') computer. Nine months later, Russy-poo was hatched. The modern computer took a few years longer, so Russ got a head start. But the computer quickly caught up. Ever since, they've been racing against each other, to see who's smartest. The race is close, because Russ and the computer have so much in common. Folks say the computer ``acts human'' and say Russ's personality is ``as a dead as a computer''. Junior Jews Russ resembles a computer in many ways. For example, both are Jewish. The father of the modern computer was John von Neumann, a Jew of German descent. After living in Hungary, he fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. mathematician. The father of Russy-poo Walter was Henry Walter, a German Jew who fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. dental salesman. To dentists, he sold teeth, dental chairs, and balloons to amuse the kids while their mouths were mauled. The race for brains To try beating the computer, Russ got his bachelor's degree in math from Dartmouth in yummy '69 and sadly remained a bachelor ever since (unless you count the computer he got married to). After Dartmouth, he got an M.A.T. in math education from Harvard. Since he went to Harvard, you know he's a genius. Like most genii, he achieved the high honor of being a junior-high teacher. After his classes showered him with the Paper Airplane Award, he moved on to teach at an exclusive private school for girls who were very exclusive. (``Exclusive'' means everyone can come except you.) After teaching every grade from 2 through 12 (he taught the 2nd-grade girls how to run the computer, and the 12th graders less intellectual things), he fled reality by joining Wesleyan University's math Ph.D. program in Connecticut's Middletown (the middle of Nowhere), where after 18 months of highbrow hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom he's now happily married. Married life After the wedding, Russ moved with his electrifying wife to Northeastern University in Boston (home of the bean and the cod), where he did a hilarious job of teaching in the naughty Department of ``Graphic Science''. After quitting Northeastern and also editorship of Personal Computing, he spends his time now happily losing money by publishing this book. Since his wife was lonely, he bought her 40 computers to keep her company, with names such as ``Anita Atari'', ``Aphrodite the Apple'', ``Baby Blue Burping Bonnie'', ``Coco the Incredible Clown'', ``Jack the Shack'', ``Kooky Casio'', ``Slick Vic'', and ``Terrible Tina with her Texas Instruments''. He hid them in a van and drove them around the country, where they performed orgies and did a strip tease, to show students a thing or two about computer anatomy. Banned in Boston, Russ and his groupies moved north, where they hide in a pleasure palace underneath the Porter Square pine tree. Each room in the palace has a nickname. Come visit the ``Input Room'' (kitchen), bathroom (``Output''), three hi-tech rooms (``Production'', ``Research'', and ``Creativity''), and four devilish rooms (``Sunshine'', ``The Cavern'', ``Pleasure'', and ``Pain''). Russ's body Here are Russ's stats, from head to toe: head in the clouds, hair departing, brow beaten, eyes glazed, lashes 40, nose to the grindstone, mouth off, smile bionic, tongue bitten, teeth remembered, cheeks in a royal flush, chin up, shoulders burdened, wrists watched, hands some, thumbs up, ring finger naked, heart all, back got everyone on it, ass unintentionally, buns toasted, knees knocked, heeled well, arches gothic, and toes stepped on. He wears a stuffed shirt, slick slacks, and sacramental socks ___ very holy! Russ's resumé We told Russ to write this book because when he handed us the following resumé, we knew he was the kind of author that publishers dream about: nuts enough to work for free! Age: too. Sex: yes! Race: rat. Religion: Reformed Nerd. Address: wear pants instead. State: distressed. Father: time. Mother: earth. Spouse: Brussels. Occupation: vegetable. Career goal: play dead. Hobbies: sleeping and crying. Sports: dodging tomatoes. Greatest pleasure: hiding under the sink. Favorite food: thought. Humor: less. About the company What company? C'mon over, bring milk and cookies, and then we'll have some helluva company! Come visit our Home Office, in Russ's home. It includes our Production Department, near or in Russ's bed. Russ gave birth to this book himself; nobody else would dare! Special services We do everything possible to make you happy. . . . Discounts We give you a 20% discount for buying 2 copies of this book, 40% for 4 copies, 60% for 60 copies, and 67% for 666 copies (so you pay just $4.95 per copy). Use the coupon on the back page. Use your past You're reading the 19th edition. To compute your discount, we count how many copies of the 19th edition you've ordered from us so far. For example, if you previously ordered 30 copies of the 19th edition and order 30 more, we say ``Oh, you're up to 60 copies now!'' and give you a 60% discount on the second order. If you got a discount on the 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, or 18th edition (because you bought many copies), we'll give you the same discount on the 19th even if you're buying just one copy. To get a discount based on past orders, mail us the coupon on the back page. Next to your name, write your phone number and say, ``I'm taking a discount because of past orders.'' Free reprints You may copy this book free. Copy as many pages as you like, make lots of copies, and don't pay us a cent! Just phone Russ first and say which pages you're going to copy. Put this notice at the beginning of your reprint: Most of this material comes from the 19th edition of The Secret Guide to Computers, copyright 1994 by Russ Walter and reprinted with permission. Get FREE LITERATURE about the complete Guide by phoning Russ at 617-666-2666, 24 hours (he's almost always in); or send a postcard to him at 22 Ashland Street (Floor 2), Somerville, MA 02144-3202. Then send us a copy of your reprint. You may give ___ or sell ___ the reprints to anybody. Go distribute them on paper, on disk, or electronically by phone. The Guide's being distributed by thousands of teachers, consultants, and stores and translated to other languages. Join those folks! Add your own comments, call yourself a co-author, and become famous! It's free! Books on disks Instead of books printed on paper, you can request books printed on disks. For example, if you're ordering 4 books, you can scribble this note on the coupon: ``Send 3 on paper and 1 on disk.'' Say which kind of disk you want (360K, 1.2M, 720K, or 1.44M) and which format (Word Perfect 5.1 or ASCII). The disks will help you write your own book and develop material to put on a computerized bulletin board. The disks include 41 files that total about 3 megabytes. If you get books on disk, get at least one book on paper since the disks do not contain headlines, graphics, special symbols, and printer drivers. An independent company, Window Book, has printed the book on hypertext disks, which let you bounce to different topics quickly. For details, phone them at 617-661-9515. Preserved classics You're reading the 19th edition. We've also reprinted the 11th edition, a 750-page mammoth bound in 2 volumes, and offer it for just 40¢ per volume (80¢ total). It includes extra details about the famous old computers and software that became classics. It's ideal for schools on tight budgets and for low-cost gifts to your friends. For details, ask us to send the free ``classics memo and order form''. Blitz courses Russ gives his ``blitz'' course all over the world. Offered several times a year, it turns you into a complete computer expert in an intensive weekend. Saturday (from 9AM to 9PM) covers the first four chapters: buyer's guide, operating systems, word processing, and databases. Sunday (9AM to 5PM) covers the other four: spreadsheets, wild applications, programming, and endnotes. The entire 20-hour course costs just $50. That's just $2.50 per hour! To pay even less per person, form a group with your friends. For details, phone or use the back page's coupon. Strange stuff We're developing future editions, videotapes, and The Secret Guide to Tricky Living. Get on our mailing list by using the coupon on the back page. Russ answers questions about life ___ everything from sex to skunks. Phone 617-666-2666 anytime!